How to Sexify a McDonald's Burger

Everyone loves a burger, but not everyone has the time to season a mound of ground beef, mix/form them into perfect little patties, and then finally cook them on a fire-blazing grill.

However, with a bit of effort, you can transform a boring McDonald's burger into a masterpiece!!

Sure, you can perform a McD's food hack, but by doing so you're not really making your food any better — you're just making it weirder.

See below for one example of how I sexified my most recent McDonald's burger.

 Make sure to order your sandwich "PLAIN" — by doing so, you skip out on the added condiments such as mustard, ketchup, and pickles. Not saying condiments are bad, but since they are usually wet add-ons, they can potentially soggy-fy your burger.  

Make sure to order your sandwich "PLAIN" — by doing so, you skip out on the added condiments such as mustard, ketchup, and pickles. Not saying condiments are bad, but since they are usually wet add-ons, they can potentially soggy-fy your burger.  

  Here is a Plain Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese. The only reason I kept the cheese was because my Smoked Gouda inventory ran out, but if it hadn't you best believe I would've said SKIP DAT CHEEZE.

Here is a Plain Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese. The only reason I kept the cheese was because my Smoked Gouda inventory ran out, but if it hadn't you best believe I would've said SKIP DAT CHEEZE.

  Who doesn't like warm, toasty buns?  Deconstruct your burger as best as you can (sometimes there'll be stickage). Put your burgers and buns on a pan set to low heat.

Who doesn't like warm, toasty buns? Deconstruct your burger as best as you can (sometimes there'll be stickage). Put your burgers and buns on a pan set to low heat.

 AHHH WTF IS THAT!?! Oh, whew, its just grilled cheese (literally). To add a bit of texture, I like to melt my cheese on the grill until it forms a crispy finish. 

AHHH WTF IS THAT!?! Oh, whew, its just grilled cheese (literally). To add a bit of texture, I like to melt my cheese on the grill until it forms a crispy finish. 

 Add some toppings of your choice: sautéed onions, provolone cheese, and halved-strips of peppered bacon.

Add some toppings of your choice: sautéed onions, provolone cheese, and halved-strips of peppered bacon.

 Since I don't particularly love ketchup or mustard on my burgers, I used a glop of basil pesto instead. Costco sells some  legit basil pesto  (which I used right here) which uses imported Italian Genovese basil.

Since I don't particularly love ketchup or mustard on my burgers, I used a glop of basil pesto instead. Costco sells some legit basil pesto (which I used right here) which uses imported Italian Genovese basil.

 "Eggcelent...." -Mr. Burns

"Eggcelent...." -Mr. Burns

 There's only one thing left to do: STACK'EMZ!!

There's only one thing left to do: STACK'EMZ!!

 TA DA!! As you can see, I added layers of scrumptious flavors which totally transformed "just another McD's DQP" into a "WHOLE 'NUTHER DQP!!".

TA DA!! As you can see, I added layers of scrumptious flavors which totally transformed "just another McD's DQP" into a "WHOLE 'NUTHER DQP!!".

So next time you find yourself at a McDonald's drive-thru (and you're waiting behind that SUV who's ordering for an entire pee-wee football team), think about what you have in your fridge and consider sexifying your next McDonald's burger for a BA-DA-BA-BA-BAAA experience.