That Time I Competed in a Mario Kart Tournament

One random weekend, I went to the Westfield Culver City shopping mall to meet up with my friends Joyce and Alinn. Normally I would try to find any excuse to bypass a trip to the mall, but Alinn had messaged me that some sorta Nintendo experience was going on. At first I was like "eh, not worth it" and then she sent me a photo of the set-up and then I was like "oh! hecks yeah!" and so I went.

It was the Play Nintendo Tour 2014 and it was kicking off in my neck of the woods. There were many things to do (as seen in this promo video) and although I was no longer a kid, it felt like a dream come true.

Speaking of kids, the event was pretty much a playground. I perused through the festive landscape feeling like Yao Ming at a Kidz Bop concert (I was extra careful not to squish them as if they were Goombas).

The first half hour that I was there, I collected some colorful stickers and demo'd some new games on Nintendo's handheld systems. Then, I noticed a crane game!! Those things can be sooo frustrating, but I love the challenge.

"...I did see some quick, directional tongue erections and passive aggressive booger-flickage — the equivalent of shit talking for 8-year-olds."

There was a looong line to play the crane game, but I felt it was worth it because I wanted to win an adorable Nintendo plush doll. While waiting... something happened that ignited the usually-dormant anger inside of me...

A little innocent-looking girl cut me in line with ABSOLUTELY NO REMORSE. That brat stepped right in front of me á la douche bag LA driver — no turn signal, no look-back, not even a fake-ass "excuse me" nod or hand wave.

She reminded me of the girl in Problem Child 2.

After checking to make sure her heavily-tattooed, 300 lb daddy wasn't nearby, I confronted her. Usually I let things like this slide, for anyone, especially small children, but this girl... oooh, this girl...

Long story short, little miss bia bia got her way, but I eventually got my sweet revenge later in the day. How you ask? 

Why, in the Mario Kart Tournament of course!!
(cue Mario Kart theme song)


This was it, my real-life Jimmy Wood's moment. If you've ever watched the 80s cult classic The Wizard, you know exactly what I mean (if you haven't, watch the trailer above).


I was familiar with Ghost Valley, Moo Moo Farm, and Koopa Beach... but this, this was Mario Kart 8, which meant that everything was new to me.

Dolphin Shoals? Thwomp Ruins? Bone Dry Dunes? Duuuude...

I had to study the courses as I was racing on them. In addition, I was using a Wii U GamePad for the very first time. I felt like that random parent at the family parties who "gives it a try" and ends up handling the controller like a baby with a slowly expanding diaper.

In the style of NCAA brackets, the rounds went from 16 to 8 to 4, with those 4 finalists racing on the big daddy screen in the center of the mall.

For the most part, competition was friendly. All of the jabbering was amongst friends, but I did see quick, directional tongue erections and passive aggressive booger-flickage — the equivalent of shit talking for 8-year-olds.

Remember that precious little angel I mentioned earlier? It just so happened that she and I were competing against each other in the first round. To advance, I only needed to finish in the top half, so I wasn't too concerned about placing first — my main focus was to ELIMINATE THAT BRAT.

As you may have guessed, I exhausted every one of my items (weapons) on her, even slowing down just to place a banana peel right in front of her grill. Seeing her frustration from the corner of my eye gave me sweet, sweet joy. The karma police caught her that day (trust me, she deserved it).

Eventually I advanced to the final four, where I ended up losing to three real-life Jimmy Wood's. I blame the blocky Wii U GamePad (the other drivers had normal controllers!!) and the boy who chose Mario as his character before I could (it was alright, I ended up choosing Yoshi).

I don't even remember what the 1st place finisher won — I was caught up basking in my 4th place glory while hoisting up a cheap-ass Pokéball as my consolation prize.